Zoom-Out

Tag: dimension-social

  • 3 Powerful Reasons to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others — and why it matters!

    3 Powerful Reasons to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others — and why it matters!

    Every minute spent comparing yourself to someone else is a minute stolen from building your best life.

    I used to be in a long-haired grunge band. We all had long hair, but all the band members were built like stick insects, like some of our heroes, such as Iggy Pop, David Bowie, Pete Murphy and Nick Cave.

    All of them except me!

    I was built like a rugby player, which was actually what I was.

    I was envious of my fellow bandmates and felt less attractive and inferior to them as a result. Years later, it was pointed out to me that some people would love to have my physique!

    I realised how foolish I had been.

    After one of my Zoom-Out workshops, I spoke with a lady who said she had always been envious of her cousin’s long blonde hair and blue eyes. She told me how she was hanging out with her cousin years later and revealed this fact to her, to which she responded, “You were envious of me? I’ve always been envious of you! With your thick curly hair and big brown eyes!”.

    Two people locked in a “comparison duel” for years only to have its futility and hilarity brought into vivid, sharp focus.

    These two examples have highlighted that comparing yourself to others is wasteful and foolish. But there are three much more powerful reasons for quitting the comparison game.

    #1 Comparison diminishes you

    If I compared my bicycle to someone else’s garden shed, I may end up thinking:

    • They can store loads of stuff in there; my bike can only store a bottle’s worth of water and a puncture repair kit — my bike is rubbish!

    See what I did there? I reduced my bike to a storage device.

    Utterly zooming in on that trait and assessing the worth of my bike in that context.

    Now you may be thinking that’s not a reasonable comparison. I would compare my bike to someone else’s bike?

    Well, when it comes to human lives, they are incredibly diverse. Every human life is different, not just a little bit, but a lot!

    Is it reasonable to compare one person to another? Just consider someone you may have been comparing yourself to and consider how different you are. Is it any less rational than comparing a bike to a garden shed?

    Are you reducing yourself to a single aspect of them?

    DO THIS INSTEAD: Be curious and be inspired by others — not diminished by them.

    #2 Comparison is a rejection of you

    In the thought experiment of comparing my bike to a garden shed, the outcome can be worse than concluding that my bike is rubbish!

    Worse still, it may end up in rejection:

    • My bike is terrible; I need to get rid of it.

    So, you reject yourself through that comparative lens whenever you compare yourself unfavourably.

    No one else is rejecting you. Only you!

    Don’t do it!

    DO THIS INSTEAD: Love yourself unconditionally as you would a best friend or one of your children.

    #3 Comparison can make you miserable

    Ever noticed how we lean towards comparing ourselves with people we perceive as more fortunate than us rather than those less fortunate?

    This can trigger negative emotions of envy and even self-pity.

    “Comparison is the thief of joy” — Theodore Roosevelt

    DO THIS INSTEAD: Focus on gratitude! If you get drawn into comparing yourself to someone more fortunate, balance the equation by comparing yourself with the myriad of less fortunate people.

    BETTER STILL: Break the habit of comparing yourself to others completely and focus on gratitude instead. Gratitude for all you are and all you have, right here and now. No conditions.

    SUMMARY

    Embrace your own uniqueness!

    Don’t judge yourself through the lens of other people!

    Don’t judge yourself by where other people are on their unique road of life.

    Forge your own unique path, and don’t let what other people are doing or have ever get in the way of that!

    Love yourself and be grateful for what you have and who you are!

    “Hike your own hike” — motto of hikers of the Appalachian trail

  • “Conflicting Truths” Zoom-Out

    “Conflicting Truths” Zoom-Out

    Seeing that statements that contradict each other could both be true.

    We derive different and unique perspectives from the
    same objective reality.

    Perspectives may be conflicting and indeed contradictory.
    Yet both may be valid truths.

    Let’s shine some more light on the subject.

    Some green light.

    Some red light.

    Both can be true!

    Let’s be mindful of thinking
    “I am correct so
    you are wrong!”
    It’s just possible that you both may be correct.

  • “SCARF Model” Zoom-Out

    “SCARF Model” Zoom-Out

    David Rock highlights five key social factors that drive people towards or away from something.

    Dr. David Rock is a consultant and coach that tapped into the latest findings in neuroscience on how our brains operate in work situations. He coined the term ‘Neuroleadership’ and is the Director of the NeuroLeadership Institute.

    In his book “Your Brain at Work” (2009), he introduces the SCARF model, representing five social domains that influence human behaviour:

    • Status: Our relative importance to others.
    • Certainty: The ability to predict the future.
    • Autonomy: A sense of choice and control over events.
    • Relatedness: Feeling safe with others, sensing social connections.
    • Fairness: Perception of fair connections and exchanges with others.

    Perspectives plays a powerful role in this model. Our brain processes perceived social threats and rewards with the same intensity as physical ones. For example:

    • Status: A compliment or a criticism can change our perceived status even though no physical change has occurred (e.g. job role or rank).
    • Certainty: People’s comfort level for uncertainty and ambiguity varies. Providing a vision or plan for the future will be received with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
    • Autonomy: Giving people choice and the extent to which people feel they have choice are two different things.
    • Relatedness: This too is subjective. People can feel lonely in a crowd. People can feel highly connected to people on the other side of the world, more so than people physically close to them. A communication interpreted in a way that is different to what was intended could undermine a sense of relatedness.
    • Fairness: Again, fairness is subjective. What seems fair to one person may seem unfair to another. Personal values and expectations can have a significant influence.

    Two ways in which we can apply this model are:

    1) Our behaviour:

    Noticing when we are drawn towards something (approach a perceived reward) or withdraw from something (avoid a perceived threat).

    2) Other’s behaviour:

    Noticing when others are drawn towards something (approach a perceived reward) or withdraw from something (avoid a perceived threat).

    In each situation, we can use the SCARF model to zoom-out on a person’s behaviour, including our own, and explore what may be driving it: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness or Fairness?

    Here’s a summary from the man himself: