The Joy of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is often covered as part of a personal or management training course – the idea being that being more assertive makes you more effective. That's undoubtedly true. But it can also lead somewhere better: a happier, more fulfilled work life.

"Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive... it affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another, or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view." – Wikipedia, Assertiveness

Separate that out into three approaches:

• ✓ Passive – letting other people not respect your rights.
• ✓ Aggressive – not respecting the rights of others.
• ✓ Assertive – respecting your rights, and the other person's too.

Any reasonable, well-balanced person would agree passive and aggressive are both bad – assertive is clearly the way to go. Walking the walk, though, is a different matter to understanding it. Consider some common workplace scenarios. Do you recognise any of these?

• ✓ Your boss books a regular 1-2-1 with you, during your lunch hour.
• ✓ Your boss turns up late for your 1-2-1, or misses it altogether because they're too busy.
• ✓ Your boss turns up for your 1-2-1 and only talks about what they want.
• ✓ Your boss delegates something to you, then wades in and starts doing it for you.
• ✓ A colleague starts doing an aspect of your job without asking.
• ✓ A colleague cuts you out of the loop on an important communication, undermining your ability to do your job.

Anything sound familiar? In every one of these situations, the other person is being aggressive – they're not respecting your rights. If you let it slide, you're behaving passively. But what you shouldn't do is react aggressively yourself – even if it might feel satisfying in the moment, it only makes a bad situation worse.

Try to spot these situations as they happen, and recognise both the aggressive behaviour in others and any passive response of your own. Aim to be assertive instead. You can think through such situations in advance, or reflect on past experiences and prepare yourself, mentally and emotionally, for next time.

Being assertive shouldn't be confused with being aggressive. You can be 100% assertive while remaining calm, polite – even compassionate. Your boss or colleague may not even realise they're being aggressive; it might be entirely unintentional, or just a result of being overworked or unskilled in handling these situations well. Acting assertively is very likely doing them a favour too, not just yourself – and it's unlikely you're being singled out; they're probably behaving the same way with other people as well.

So if your boss misses a 1-2-1, don't just let it pass, and don't get angry. Speak to them, or email them: "I appreciate you're very busy at the moment, but I really value our 1-2-1s and it's important to me that we do them whenever we can. Could we schedule this one back in this week? That would be really appreciated. Thanks!"

In that scenario you'll feel a lot better about yourself, and you'll have made it clear to your boss that 1-2-1s matter – not just to you, but probably to everyone else on the team too.

Go ahead and assert yourself.